Another Thursday yet again, only that much closer to the weekend! Woot woot! I’ve been having crazy dreams about babies and fertility drugs and all sorts of whacko stuff. And staying in theme with this week’s post about Germany’s way of announcing babies I decided to throw us all back to a cold December day in 2009 when my nephew was born! He was the first to give me the name “Aunt Kait” and I just fell TOTALLY in love with him when I saw him all wrapped up like a burrito.
Isn’t he adorbs?!? He’s all grown up now practically…talking, walking, saying “no” to everything because he can and because he’s a little manpants. Still totally in love with that sweet boy! This picture was also before I knew I had endometriosis and it was a time where the possibility of having my own child was still an easily reachable goal on the horizon.
For those of you who know that I wrote a story called “The Letter” for a great organization called CausePub, we need a certain amount of people to sign up to buy the electronic story. It’s only $10, and it would help us meet our goal to 1. Publish the book and 2. provide clean water to over 40,000 people in Africa. This is such a big deal to me.
I wrote the story a long time ago, not really sure that I would ever publish it in fear of showing my feelings and sounding too dramatic and spotlight hogging. But that’s not the case. I published it and people wrote to me, thanking me for my bravery. That they share the same feelings and problems and are feeling less alone. To have this story published in a book would be not only incredible for a writer like me but imagine the people it would influence!
If you would like to spend the $10 (come on, we all have it to spare!) then please go to CausePub – Buy the book and read more about what your money would do for others. Andddd of course, how it would make me kinda famous!
I did something yesterday that took a little courage to do. Remember back a few weeks when I posted about a really cool place called Causepub.com?? I submitted a story which you can see here and vote on for a chance for the story to be published!
Well, I posted a second story. The first was more along the humor lines and this second one was a personal one that hit home. I wrote this letter a bit ago when I was trying to piece together the feelings I was having regarding infertility and the struggle to have my own child. So I wrote this…and for some reason I decided to share it. Why did I share it? Maybe to put the message out in the universe would make it hurt less. Or maybe my struggle would help another woman know she’s not the only one. For whatever reason…it’s there.
Here’s a little excerpt from it:
You don’t know this yet, but you’re the best part of my life. I’ve dreamed of you for so long it’s almost as if I painted you to life. Those soft blue eyes, the sandy brown hair, and the giggle that sends me to the happiest of places.
I’ve been waiting to say those two little words out loud. To scream it to the world that you, my dream, are here. Those words that so many have been able to say before.
“I’m pregnant.”
But with each passing day, the words don’t come. I know you’re just waiting for the perfect moment to surprise me. You’re clever that way, just like me.
To read the rest of it you can go here: The Letter on Cause Pub. And it would mean the WORLD to me if you would vote by clicking the orange thumbs up or the orange button. The more votes, the more chance I have to get my story published.
The orange voting buttons look like this:
Thank you all for your help and mostly, thank you, as always, for reading!
I suppose I should explain why I chose suddenly not to get the surgery to check out how bad my endometriosis is or hopefully isn’t. To put it simply, it’s all bad timing.
First of all my visa expires June 30th. I was here for 3 months before I was issued my 9 month “Student’s visa.” My German language course was the only reason I’ve been able to stay here without being married.
So part two of this story is that I know I will always need these surgeries for the rest of my life for preventative pain measures or to pursue a family. In the moment, it’s April…I wouldn’t be able to start the fertility process until June or later. I don’t want my body to be cut open unless it’s necessary. Last time the Endo was so severe I was down and out for a week when normally the downtime is 2 days at most. I can’t deal with that again! I think the doctor’s here were a little to trigger happy. First steps I think are to sit down with a fertility clinic. Here in Germany the GYN has no part in the fertility process. Completely ass-backwards if you ask me but whatever! So I think if I can line up the fertility stuff with the GYN stuff then we’re good to go. I wish I knew that months ago because I could have gotten a start on it but you all know how I feel about dealing with doctors over here. Not so pleasant and COMPLETELY unorganized.
I had to go into the hospital (1.5 hour drive both ways) the working day before my surgery for pre-op discussions. I met with 4 different people over the course of 5 hours. To do what exactly? The same stuff they could have done with one doctor the day of. It was INSANE. The process was ridiculous and I felt like I was in some sketchy plastic surgery hospital in Mexico. I wouldn’t even find out my surgeon until minutes before my surgery. That to me is insane. My OBGYN in the US was also my surgeon. I had no qualms about it. Here, they didn’t know who it would be and they never make the process personal. I realize doctors can’t attach themselves to one case and it make it their own but it would be nice if they tried. For me, this is my whole world and to put it into a bunch of people’s hands is not for me.
At this moment the time frame didn’t make sense. I want a family but I want one when the timing allows for it. I realize chaos and stress may cause it all to be delayed anyways, so I’m waiting.
A million people yesterday told the world they are having another baby or their first one. I’m so unbelievably happy for everyone but truth be told, my heart breaks every single time. It’s just unfair. I won’t go on and on…you all know how I feel. I just hope by the time all the pieces fall together it won’t be too late.
Yesterday was my first appointment at the Women’s Clinic here in Germany. I had been pretty nervous about this for a few days but was trying to mask it by keeping busy (hence the lack of a blog post! SORRY!) Now that my nerves are back together, I’m doing good and can tell you all about this stage of the journey!
So this place is known for it’s specialists in Endometriosis and even though I was nervous I was still hopeful that they wouldn’t get my hopes up right away. Unlike my regular doctor who flat out told me that babies and me weren’t meant to be. Bitch. After the hour long drive we arrive to this massive city and to this massive University Hospital with multiple buildings. I got right into my appointment with maybe a 4 minute wait time which was excellent considering how I couldn’t focus on anything anyways.
After the tests and what not (you’re not getting the details) they told me that they will need to do another laparoscopic surgery. It’s through the belly button which makes me want to barf just thinking about it. Did I ever tell you guys that I HATE belly buttons? They make me gag. Anywhooooo WAY off topic. So another surgery – and if there is a lot of endometriosis they won’t touch anything. They will sew me back up and after the surgery will put me back through the miserable menopause injections called Lupron for 2-3 months to shrink up the large masses. After the 3 months is done, I will go back in for a second surgery where at this time it’s easier for them to zap all the crap out. That’s option number one. Number two is they go in for the surgery and where there isn’t a lot of tissue to remove, they will just zap it out of there and sew me up. Then the baby making process will start.
However, this baby making process is freaking me out a little bit. I’m not sure what is to come after the surgery. There is still the possibility that it will be too difficult for us to conceive naturally. There is the possibility that the fertility processes may not work. There is a possibility that after years of trying we still will come up empty handed. I need to stop waiting for the “bad news” and focus on the positive but thats really hard when the one dream you have could be crushed in one appointment. Luckily, I like my doctor and she will not be harmed if in fact the news is bad. I promise!
So here’s to stage one of the process. Really wishing it wasn’t going to be such a long and winding road. (Queue: Beatles) I guess the part we are waiting to hear is whether or not I have stage I,II, III, or IV of this illness. One and two we can work with…three and four is much too difficult I think and we will consider our other options. Anyone up to be my surrogate?! Anyways, thanks for reading, listening, and following my babble of a journey. I’m super glad I have my Toblerone right by my side through all this, I know it hasn’t been easy for him either. (Thanks Bubs!) It helps me for some reason to just get it out in the open. I’m gonna show this mean old Endo that I’m not scared of it and I will fight it to the death!
I just returned from a doctor’s appointment and feel completely deflated. What better way to heal then to just get it all out there for the world. Yes, I’m looking for sympathy, I’ll admit it.
NOTE: This post is a little long but it’s informative. Just stay with me 🙂
In all the many years I played with Barbie and her 20 children (yes 20) I also envisioned my own life to be much of the same. When someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I would say something along the lines of Ballerina, or Veterinarian. When someone would ask me how many kids I wanted I would easily say 10. Although the idea changed about my career a million times over, the fact that I wanted 10 kids remained for many many years. I recently changed my number to 5 but that’s as low as I was going until….
When I started getting lower back pain I was about 17 years old (that’s ten years ago, people) I thought it was from wearing high heels every day or from running. I went to a chiropractor and felt fine for a while after that. Gradually, the back pain got worse and stayed for longer periods of time. I then went to physical therapy and to a chiropractor. Also getting massages twice a week. This seemed to help for a while. Then about when I was 25 years old, I needed a frequent visitor card to the local hospital. Where one doctor (very hot doctor) stated that, “In the ER we can’t diagnose you, only make you feel comfortable with drugs.” I did everything to try and find out what it was. Accupuncture, spine specialists, hydrotherapy, nerve testing, you name it…it’s been done.
My last visit to the ER I was pumped up with two doses of morphine and percocet along with some other pain-killer as well. This reason for this visit was the worst. I woke up from a dead sleep with shooting pain in my lower back. The kind that if I laid down, sat up, stood up, walked, or breathed…it hurt. No, not just hurt, literally felt like someone reached inside and was ripping my bones out one by one. There is no description for how excruciating this was. When I made it to the hospital they wanted to put me in a wheelchair but that was so painful to sit. Going to the bathroom and sitting on the toilet was unbearable. For ten years no one had an answer for me. No one could help me. But why was an all-around healthy 20 something having this much pain?
I missed out on so many things due to this. I was bed-ridden for weeks at a time and even had to go to work using a cane. I missed out on wine tours (never been to one due to this back issue ALWAYS happening when one was planned), parties with friends, dinners, family gatherings, etc. For my birthday one year I planned a weekend camping trip with 5 other people. I was in the hospital the night before (see above mishap) and stocked up on serious drugs and did my best to pull through. Although I was in another world I was there and tried to push past the pain.
I decided to try one last thing. I went to my GYN and asked her if there was something that could be causing this back pain from her perspective. We did a few tests which were painful…I won’t share what we did – you’re welcome. Then she said she couldn’t see anything unless she did laparoscopic surgery. As horrified at the idea of surgery I was, I decided this was my last chance. My last hope for an answer. After the surgery, she told me she found endometriosis everywhere. It was attached to my appendix, gall bladder, all over in my uterus. Just everywhere. This “Endo” is scar tissue that you get only when you have your period every month. Not everyone has this, obviously, but I must have had it for years and didn’t know it. But this scar tissue latches on to things and grows. Suffocating whatever it is attached to. You would think I would feel a million times better after the surgery but in fact I had visits to the ER even so. My doc then suggested she puts my body through temporary menopause with a 6 month injection to see what becomes of this.
Fast forward 6 months, the hot flashes are treacherous and the weight gain was unwanted but the back pain was gone. For 6 months I was great. After we were done with the injections, I was good for exactly one year. Almost to the day – one year. This January…it started all over again. Now I’m here in Germany, with back pain so severe I’ve been laying on the couch for 3 weeks. Rarely get fresh air and miss out on everything. I haven’t been to my German classes in 3 weeks, haven’t been able to give English lessons in so long. It’s just been a complete mess.
So…I went to the GYN in Germany. She did a full exam – much to Toblerones dismay. Poor guy! He had never been present for this type of thing before. Ha..as I’m sitting here I’m cracking up at his reactions! After all was said and done she basically told us that my Endo is so severe and extreme that having a child would be very complicated, if not impossible. This was a moment I wished I didn’t understand German at all. Looking at the walls covered in Anne Geddes photos of babies just shot an arrow through my heart.
Ok....maybe not this but close enough
Here’s the thing, I knew this was a possibility but you hear so many good stories about women who have had children despite the odds. But did they all have severe endo? Extreme endo? Odds are, probably not nearly as horrific as mine. Knowing it is one thing but actually hearing it was another. I started crying immediately. I’ve just been so down and out about living on the couch and then to have this on top of it. She said she couldn’t help me, not to mention her sense of humor and compassion were lacking. Reminds me of this (here’s a little laugh for you):
So this also explains why I’ve been lacking on the blog front. I’ve been distraught and have nothing to write about, quite frankly. I can describe the view from my couch but that’s about it. Let me ask you this, how long does it take you to go down 13 stairs? Probably under 10 seconds for the average healthy person, right? Well, yesterday it took me over 5 minutes. Think about that. 5 minutes. That’s a hell of a long time! I walk like a dying pterodactyl!!! My flippers are all over the place just to hold my balance. It’s crazy!
I’ll be going to a specialist for endometriosis about an hour away from home. I hope they can help me. I know the next few months are critical. I need to find the strength to fight. To fight for my dream of having a big family, to fight for a life. I want my own child and as good as adoption and surrogates sounds, I just want my own. I want to have the big belly and I want everyone to come up to me and hug it ( I know most women hate that!). I want the morning sickness and I want the swollen feet. I hate seeing people talk about how pregnant they are, complain, post pictures of their baby bump, the cute clothes, the nursery. It’s so painful for someone like me that has to sit around and watch as everyone is easily getting pregnant (even those that shouldn’t be allowed to) and I get a punch in the face.
I’m not sure what I did in my life to deserve this kind of punishment but I will tell you all something. From here on out, you will be apart of my journey…every step of the way. Please join my journey by becoming a subscriber or a fan on the facebook page! What is new in the fertility world, navigating through a language barrier, and so on. I will fight for my dream…and I will fight for the life of my own child.
The Diary of Sugar and Spice 