American Food Injustice

Toblerone does some really sweet things for me…usually every day. On a typical Saturday he told me he would pick me up at 6:00pm for a date (cute since we live together and he doesn’t actually have to pick me up!) He planned to take me to a New York style restaurant complete with hamburgers and my favorite – dirty martinis. Let’s back up for a minute. When I ask for a dirty martini here…they literally are thinking of Martini & Rossi. I just want vodka and olive juice. Apparently that is too complicated for people to comprehend here so I usually go without but luckily this restaurant offered it. Or so I thought.

We arrive and they advertise that Gallo Family wines from California were available (hmm…not impressed) and Bon Jovi and Rod Stewart played over the speakers, I felt a little bit at home. We sit down and all around are many pictures of the NYC sky line and random “NYC-esque” trinkets, pictures, etc. Even complete with a plastic gold replica of the Oscar award.

As I’m checking out the menu, I’m confused because half of it is in German, and portions of it are in English. It’s one or the other, folks! Own it! So, I decided to have a Jim Beam Burger – burger with the fixings plus jim beam BBQ sauce. Pretty standard I thought and I was ok with this. So I added as sides – corn on the cob and mashed potatoes, which happen to be my favorite things EVER!

So the martini comes – I ordered it extra dirty and without vermouth which is apparently how they make them at this place…vermouth, vodka, and olive juice. That’s wonderful and all but I like mine to be only vodka and extra olive juice and extra olives. Well, It arrives and I can already tell that something is strange. I take a sip and it doesn’t even burn my throat. Something is CLEARLY wrong. Either I’m an alcoholic and I don’t know it OR they didn’t actually make this correctly. Doing some detective work I found:

1. It’s clear as day…normally with as much olive juice as I ask for…it’s foggy/cloudy in my glass.

2. It goes down WAY to smooth to be a martini. There needs to be some bite to it, after all..it is just vodka and olive juice.

3. It tastes like sugar water.

So, I examine this a little further and decided that she must have made it ONLY with vermouth and maybe a touch of olive juice. Lovely. This is NOT the way I wanted to have my first martini in Germany.

I patiently hold back my disgust and wait for the main meal which at this point…I’m nervous about. I mean, how hard is it to make a dirty martini? Wondering what they’ll do to the burger and the rest of the goodness I ordered.

The corn on the cob was fine, no complaints. Here is where I WILL complain. I about lost it when I saw this.

WHAT IS THAT?!?!?! I didn’t order GRITS!!!  So this is what they consider to be mashed potatoes. Excuse me while I pick Lady Liberty off the floor. This was a serious FAIL. So there are big chunks of potatoes in there, but the taste was unreal. As I took a bite, it didn’t taste like potatoes at all. It was like a mixture of butter and sugar. I’m not even 100% sure what it was!

The burger was strange also. It didn’t taste like a burger and they put this orange sauce crap on it that is similar to thousand island dressing I guess and they call this “Burger Sauce.” Negative. This is not for burgers, it’s not even sauce. Just STOP IT!  I felt ill. I ate the coleslaw (thats pretty basic…you CAN’T mess that up!) and I took off everything on top of the burger and ate half of it. Gross.

The waitress came over and looked a bit concerned when we told her we didn’t want a box. She asked if something was wrong and Toblerone was quick to let her know that the potatoes tasted like they came out of a box. She said she would give the information to the chef. Oh no lady, Please, let me do the honors!

I’m currently in the process of writing a long letter describing the injustice that this “chef” has given the Americans and the crazy multi-cultural foods we own, a very bad rep! You have to remember, that most of the people in Germany have and never will be to America. Or if they plan on going…they won’t now after tasting this ridiculous food!

I’ve never been that person that’s complained about my meal and sent it back but with old age, I’m getting more mouthy and it’s easier to speak my mind. When I taste mashed potatoes that seriously almost put me to tears with how bad they are…I’m going to speak up! I went to this restaurant for a taste of home. It seemed promising because on the front page of the menu the owner stated that he had been to the US several times. I figured he had a good understanding of what the US was about. If you’re going to represent the American culture in another country, you better do it right or deal with the wrath of me!

Phew…ok…this actually turned into a rant but I will add for good measure that we ended the evening sharing a moijito which actually tasted pretty normal. Not sure how you can mess that one up either! I’ll let you all now how it goes or if I get a response with this dude. Lets hope so! I’m about ready to walk in there and show him how to make these mashed potatoes…and yes, I will be offering my recipes and assistance. Let’s hope he agrees to it.

Until next time, readers!!! xoxoxoxoxoxo

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9 thoughts on “American Food Injustice

  1. Looks more like ice cream than mash potato, tasted like it as well by the sound of it.

    I have to admit, I have never heard of a Dirty Martini.

    I think its pretty impossible to get a Mojito wrong, isn’t it? Although in that place, anythings possible.

    • I agree, I’m sure they used an ice cream scoop to plop it on the plate.

      You have NEVER heard of a Dirty Martini? Omg….the world is missing out. My mission in life is to show the world the greatness!!

      Ha, with the Mojito they did miss the sugar around the rim of the glass. But, I didn’t complain.

  2. What if you made some mashed potatoes and took them in for the chef to taste? Maybe he only had breakfast somewhere and they gave him grits? Don’t know how he came up with the version you had.

  3. All part of the learning curve Princess. You will find there is no substitute for home except home (Big Red syndrome). Enjoy the best of German food and occasionally you’ll run across something that is close to home. You’ll enjoy the trips back home and the care packages that much more.

  4. By the way, when you go to make those mashed potatoes you’ll find that the European spud cooks to completely different textures than ours. PS. poor Tobi!

    • Ha, thanks Dad! It’s been quite interesting! I decided I’m just going to have to stick to German food whilst in Germany and I’ll hold off for the holy grail when I arrive in the US! Today I started craving blueberry eggos!

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